Our two year wait is still heavy on my heart. I have thought about this post for days thinking of what I wanted to write and stay positive but I am not sure if I can do that and be honest. David and I had been through so many infertility treatments, pregnancies, and miscarriages that I had become negative thinking that a child would never find their way to us. In the October 2007 we signed with the agency, turned all our paper work in and waited. I knew it would not happen immediatly. We went to Babies R Us and registered. We decieded to buy one thing a month off the registry. We found bedding we liked at Pottery Barn Kids and bought the complete set which was gender neutral. David did not want me to buy the bedding because he was worried I would see something later that I would like more but I purchased it anyway( I had no regrets) and we also bought one book a month. I would buy new toys on deep clearance. That was my way of keeping my hope alive. The holidays came and went and on Valentine's Day 2008 our profile was shown for the first time but I did not find out until March of 2008. For whatever reason when I found out our profile had been shown and we were not picked it was a wake up call that this may never happen and I stopped buying pretty much everything. I continued to buy one book a month. I told myself I could always give them to our niece and nephew. I was thinking I have all this stuff and what will I do with it. In the next couple of months I packed everything neatly away and never looked at it again.
Spring and Summer was always easier to get through for me. David and I are very active, always outside, with friends and family, at our cabin on the weekends. There was less time to think as silly as that sounds.
As the fall approached and we were coming up on our one year mark I became very worried. The agency was not doing as many adoptions, things really slowed down and ecomony was about to fall apart, David and I were worried about our jobs, and we still waiting. It seemed to me like everything on this subject of adoption was falling apart just like infertility. WHAT ELSE COULD GO WRONG!!! Then a letter from the agency came in the mail: MANDATORY MEETING--they were charging a supplemental fee because they were in a little financial trouble due to the ecomony and needed help from the families that were adopting from their agency, and in February I was laid off and did not know if I would ever go back to work. Well you need money for adoption and I started to stress thinking will an expenctant woman ever find us. Not a day went by that I did not think about adoption in some way. I wanted to talk about it all the time because I did not people to forget what we were doing and how important adoption was to us. I am being honest and will say David was supportative but I was driving him crazy and myself a little, okay a lot. The truth is a had no control and I hated it. I could do nothing about the wait, the agency, my job and the financial aspect. I started from the beginning when we signed with the agency to network but I knew that was the one thing I could control. I sent hundreds of emails and profiles out to schools, colleges, planned parenthood, pregnancy centers, doctors, and hospitals. I tacked postcards every where I went, I handed out business cards to everyone, I had bumper stickers made for cars, magnets for refrigerators. I was sure we would find our child through networking because we did so much. We had come in contact with at least ten expectant woman thinking of making an adoption plan. Our friends were networking like mad for us forwarding profiles, emails and handing out postcards. In the very early spring I sent out a letter to family and friends letting them know I was having my yearly garage sale and if they would like to donate items towards our aoption fund we would pick the items up. Our friends and family forwarded the email to their family and friends and before I knew it I had a spare bedroom full of garage sale items. We raised $1000.00!! These were the things I could do that were under my control. I was called back to work which was exactly what I needed to occupy my time. Spring and summer of 2009 came and went. We had a wonderful summer with family but deep down a day never went by with out thinking the wait is getting longer WHY! Is it the pictures, is it the profile, are we not open in our thinking. I would check the web site a couple of times a week knowing they only update once a week if even that. I would talk to our caseworker and no good news. ( our profile over the two year wait was shown about 15 times). We were settling into fall which was always a sad time for me with the homestudy update. Here we were doing it again WHY! We were getting ready to go up north with our niece and nephews for one last fun fall weekend. I was packed, the childeren were excited, and the call came out of the blue, as I was rushing out the door to go to work. Not my caseworker--another caseworker called "hello Lynnette, how are you today, do you have a few minutes to talk and is David your husband there? Do you have speakerphone so we can all talk and hear eachother." Our hopes, dreams, and prayers, had been answered that very moment just like that--that quick, that easy. We picked our daughter up to come home forever one day before our two year homestudy expired. I guess you could say everything was last minute for us-LOL
When I read this story myself it appears to me I could have been a little depressed and I probably was but please understand every other part of my life is close to perfect. I have an amazing husband who is actually my best friend, I have a wonderful family and incredible friends who are so supportative. I enjoy going to work every day and so thankful to have a great job. I guess you could say I am just happy and comfortable with life, just one huge part was missing for us. Any wait is a long wait--one, four, ten, fourteen, eighteen, twenty four months and people wait even longer.
My heart is heavy for everyone waiting but I hold a special place in my heart for couples with long waits. I can relate and it is a common thread we share. You wonder, you question, WHY ME!! You feel as if you might go crazy. It sounds selfish but it is the truth.
I am not sure why our long wait still bothers me. I really feel sad when I think about it. Since we have our daughter home it wants to creep into my mind and be sorted out but, I always push it aside. It seems like such a sad and negative time, and I want to find the good and the positive but I don't think I am ready to visit that area just yet. I never cared for the comment when you hold your baby in your arms you will understand the wait. I will never say that to someone waiting to adopt. To me that is like saying after you adopt you will get pregnant. I hope I have not offened anyone with my story and thoughts. That would never be my intent to hurt someone. This story is just that my story and my feelings.
For now I leave you with our most precious gift in the world.
SOPHIA
OUR FIRST PICTURE AS A FAMILY OF THREE
